A guide to getting properly raped for women

By Gbelee Kehinde O.

Hi you, yes you you’re about to get raped right? These are a few things to guide your journey

1. make sure to wear decent clothes. Now you may ask what do I mean by decent clothes. Well no one is in a rapist’s mind so we can’t exactly say what clothes you would wear that would make you be raped but that’s where your superpower comes in. You are to find a way to look into the mind of every potential rapist you might encounter on your way to and fro your business that day and see what’s clothes to not wear. All these should be done as soon as you wake up every morning.
2. This also applies to when you’re at home & not going anywhere because you have a father or brother right? Life tip: if you share a room with your brother/male cousin make sure you use your super power before you sleep at night so you can wake up in “decent clothes”
3. Make sure you only visit respectable places. By respectable I mean school, church, work,your father’s house, your house. Of course you can be raped in all these places but just make sure you’re there. A word is enough for the wise
4. Make sure you’re only out between the times of 6am & 6pm. Yes dear. Don’t you know any woman out after 6pm is obviously a child of the world who deserves whatever she gets? Never mind you’re not safe between 6am & 6pm. We’re all ensuring your rape occurs in the right way.
5. As you’re about to be raped, make sure you ignore your body’s reaction to run or. freeze & bust out some karate moves. Which woman doesn’t know karate at this day & age, that’s just being negligent, duh. Jackie Chan comes to teach us in the dream everyday. Stop sleeping too deeply
6. Even if you’re having an out of body experience & your brain isn’t processing the fact that your body is going to be invaded & all the spit dries up in your mouth & your rapist is holding a weapon, make sure you scream & kick. Even though he threatens to stab you, do not listen to that rapist jare. What does he know. Scream. If you do not scream, your rape is not proper.
7. During the rape make sure you provoke the rapist to hit you as much as possible. Even if he’s your husband or father or stranger make sure they are marks all over your body. If he won’t hit you, hit yourself as you’re being raped. Remember we need this to be proper
8. Make sure you have evidence. I don’t care how you get it. Maybe act it out afterwards o but get that video. Maybe take selfies with the rapist as you’re being raped. Pics or it didn’t happen!
9. Do not be alive after the rape. This is the most important rule. If you’re alive when you’re found make sure you’re just preparing to die soon. No one wants a victim who is eloquent & well enough to describe what happened to her. Die or be as close to death as you probably can. Don’t worry all these is to make sure your rape is the right one b!
10. If you somehow managed to not die(which I strongly advice against) make sure to find some panties with blood. I do not care if you have had sex before, get panties(white cotton ones) & make sure your blood is on it.
11. Go to the police station. Are you asking me if it’s the same police that raped women with pure water nylon? Which kind question na? Are police more than one in this country? Please don’t annoy me!
12. Forgive. Hmmmmmmmnnnnnn your rapist will come begging because in most cases they will be people you know. So you must ignore that pain, that memory that transforms at night to terrorize you in your sleep. That voice you can’t get out of your head. That pain you feel between your legs. Those scars that haven’t healed. Ignore it all. Can’t you see the rapist said it’s the devil’s work. Forgive him & face the devil! Pray pray pray!!!!!!!
13. Finally, live your life carrying all that hurt heavier than a small hippo on your back as it bends you & bends you & bends you till you die like you should have done in number 8.